Tonight I sit in a place of conflict. My logic says I love my life at St Johns. It is a privileged place. The location, the community, the wisdom, the knowledge, the history… I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else.
At the same time I feel great loss. Tonight I miss my Karori family dearly. I miss ‘up front’ ministry. I miss the creativity. I miss preaching. I miss the ‘seat of your’ pants element of worship, wondering where God might lead next. I miss the priviledge. I miss the responsibility. I miss the self-centred affimation that my insecure nature craves.
I struggle with being nobody.
I struggle with being a nobody with big dreams.
I’m a nobody with big dreams and big doubts.
And a big God.